Middle

I am back with more on my mind now than I need to have percolating up there...

I am now midway through another semester, just trying to keep my stamina up and active for the next few weeks. There is also the gym, books, a run through several hidden lanes of black ice, and the promise to myself that I will play the guitar again (my Strat needs me).  But there is a bigger problem...

Sleep, or the lack of it, is taking me out. I just do not find myself rested and ready when I wake up most mornings, a common problem that I had seemed to avoid until now.

And why is that? I have money in the bank, steady work, no relationships I would like to end (more on that later), and the prospect of actually moving out of here (yeah, I have talked about that one before, but now I can do it).

So what is it...? Why am I still thrashing about in the dark without any rest...?

Stay tuned...

In That Head: A look at "Frank"

I just saw "Frank".

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Birdman - Review

I just watched "Birdman".

Birdman... What kind of powers does a superhero like that have?  Well, he can fly, obviously; there are probably things about the eyesight that are absolutely fantastic; and never underestimate the joy to be had knowing that your shit is now white.

Michael Keaton plays the former ornithological uber-hero who must now walk among the mere mortals as a has-been trying to save his career by starring in a serious drama. His hands are in many pies - writer, producer, financer, etc. - and this is his last chance.



Sound familiar?

Okay, this is not a typical review summarizing plots and standout performances.  Go on YouTube or Wikipedia if you want to find that stuff.  Just remember this film when the awards are sorted out, because Mr. K. deserves all of the ones that I can think of this year.

And this Inarritu fellow... You will find this film very claustrophobic, a clever way of entering the minds of these people in this world. I commend the director to clinging to a method of filmmaking that no one dares to follow now. Long takes that make you feel like the whole thing is one shot, along with some of the most interesting visual effects I have seen in a serious film in a seriously long time. Another Oscar worth prepping...

That "Sound familiar?" deserves more of a comment. I have been watching Mr. Keaton in too many small roles for too long.  And I think that he deserves the kind of turn around that came for Mickey Rourke and Matthew McConaughey when they really needed it.  Maybe it does play games with the cliches of the comeback film, but I went with it.

Great supporting cast, too. Watts, Norton, Zach et al will have to be split up between voters of the Motion Picture Academy very soon.

There is one more thing a Birdman can do.  He can soar.

Rush to the screens you have and enjoy.http://youtu.be/uJfLoE6hanc

Why Demi Moore will never be Helen Mirren

Listen...

I am very tired and very overworked, so I did not really expect to have any interest in a hobby that does not provide me with anything but an emotional release (can do that with other web sites, but I digress)... No money and no real rewards besides knowing that my name does link up to this page and others on the web.  So, no real advantages...

Fine by me.  I have just been watching "Public Speaking", a Martin Scorsese film on the writer Fran Leibowitz.   Her claim that she only worked hard enough to make enough money for rent and then loafed about strikes a raw note in my head.  I work enough to have money in my bank account(s) to the point where I can ignore it.  After a certain point, money is like the food you once thought you liked; instead, you are just going through the motions with it.  That may explain my addiction to stationery.  I have too many notebooks, reporter's pads and sketchbooks for one person to get through in any number of lives.  Moleskine and the dollar stores I have patronized are my fixes.  And that is also fine by me.

I need to loaf even more.  Right now, I handle tests and papers for students who feel entitled to a good grade just for appearing, or disappearing.  I have colleagues who have me at meetings that I cannot add anything to due to a serious lack of interest in being taken seriously.  I come home to people who seem born to just take up space (i.e. roommates) and I have my music, a few films and too many books.  How could I not write?
                                                              


Now, that title.  It comes from a simple link I discovered online about how the ex-Mrs Kutcher is still able to rock a bikini.  And I will admit, she does pull it off.  To a point.  I can see the body, but I also know the particular brain that it is attached to.  She is one of those actresses who cannot see beyond the lights.  I mean, who else thought "Striptease" was funny, or that "G.I. Jane" was serious.  Her whole career seems to be one long and endless flight of her self-fantasies.  And now, Dame Mirren.  My dear Helen has been in the business for far longer, weathered more stupid male fantasies than anyone deserves, been awarded for work on stage and screen that will be remembered for generations, and admitted a devotion to nudism.  Stupid male fantasies aside, this is also something that she will be remembered for: the exposure of a body that was not hammered and sculpted into shape because of a committee meeting.  This is a woman who enjoyed life and was not afraid to show just how to live it.

Two very different examples; two very different aims to consider.  And that is what I have to consider if I am going to continue with any pretense of being a writer.  I have to consider what makes me tick, what makes me want to do this...

Am I Bored?

No one's going to read this, so okay...
 


Went to another literary festival in this city o' mine for a talk about vampires and zombies in our contemporary culture.  Met an old prof there who was very happy to see me and then I went through my life since university.  Not much done as a graduate of McGill besides teaching at a college and not getting anywhere with my stories and essays besides this blog and some web sites that offer no pay, but plenty of patience.

Very sad...

I have lived in Montreal for over a decade now and I can feel the routine of life in this city entering my skin and thoughts.  Gym, work, shopping, festivals, films and the same-old same old.  Not much else to report and look forward to this year, besides certain shows and events that already feel like they have been experienced.

So, back to my question: Am I bored?  Yes, perhaps.  Almost glad at how unpopular this blog is.  Not much chance of getting any feedback about how to improve my lot.  Focus in my life is on my work - not the college; just the writing - and learning to enjoy my own company.  Not always possible.  Too much time with guitar and books can even test my own deep patience.

 

So, what to do?  Another routine?  Another hobby?  Another move?  I am thinking about all of those things, especially the move.  Almost had a place last January, but I did not get it (too many debts still to be paid).  And I think that is the big thing.  I have walked on too much broken concrete covered with garbage and excrement to see the charm of this neighbourhood anymore.  I have to get out and move my mind about somewhere different.

 

I think I know what to do...

Sex vs. Books (Part Three)

 
Back in Montreal, meaning that I am back facing some old problems.  Those problems include lack of a phone (remedied today), lack of a car (am working on it), lack of privacy (soon about to find my own place without bearing afraid that I cannot afford it in the long run), and lack of contact.

That is the key, I think. Lack of contact.  No one to really connect with.  Not that it was much better when I was at home for two weeks.  Family is family; you know what to expect from them.  Love and perhaps an unending amount of patience (if there is some luck on your side).  What I also found was that I was more willing to get rid of many of my old books, things read and unread; things that I thought I could learn from and now I am much better for pretending otherwise.  A large midden of ideas and thoughts all stacked up by a bookcase that is still loaded with too many other ideas and thoughts.

 

Now, sex.  Well, it is my own bedroom.  My old teenage bedroom.  Many a lonely and desperate day, night and long afternoon wondering if I would ever spend time in there with a girl (never happened).  Of course, there was a guitar, books, and my own thoughts.

But that stack...  If I am willing to give up one thing, does that mean I am willing to embrace something else? Is there change in the air?

2013, I see your raise...

Sex vs. Books (Part Two)

Orwell, you had it so wrong.

 


I'm sorry, I should explain myself.  I have just re-read George Orwell's essay "Books vs. Cigarettes".  He argues that it is actually more affordable to buy books than to spend money on the old nicotine sticks.  Now, maybe back in 1946 when he wrote the essay, the arguments against cigarettes made sense.  But we are in an age where smokers no longer have the respect they once enjoyed, where stores now cannot advertise their particular brands of smokes, and where the information on the link between smoking and cancer is now common knowledge.

But did he have a point?  I wonder about the trade-off between vices.  And yes, I will admit it: reading is my vice.  Not even porn has the same hold over my free time.  I don't keep stacks of videos or magazines in my room or hidden in a box in the basement.  I do however like to keep books in boxes all over the house and I have piles more back home at my parents place.  I did notice how easily I gave up certain books this month when I donated some to a local charity, but I also noted how charged I felt when I passed by a bookstore today to do some Christmas shopping (no falling off the wagon...yet).

Now, I have mentioned porn but not sex (a distinction that I will explore soon).  I feel that the trading of distractions is something that I am always going to have to deal with in my life.  Books provide a means of control that can be more than a little tempting.  If I like a book, I can keep it, put it on a shelf, and return to it when the mood takes me.  If I do not like it, I can put it away, not have to think about it, and never doubt that I am missing something.  Cold?  Yes, but it does not mean that it is not the truth.  As I said, embarrassing and fun...

I know that I have to get over my need to control things.  I also know that I need to talk about why I have to control things.

Wait for the next entry...

Sex vs. Books (Part One)

 
Okay, the move has been made.  I have a room at the front of our place, with a lot of natural light being reflected off of the windows of my neighbours' homes across the road.  Never really considered how I had to watch out for my own privacy after five years living so closely in my own darkness and with no real concept of the word.  It is a type of comfort that I never knew I missed.

Of course, there is another problem.  Books.  Books, books, books...  I have too many of them.  Not the worst addiction to have, but it is still one that I am now have to contend with.  I am not sure how I managed to move around the space I am in with all of the history of my reading around me.  But, I now have a plan.  Donations, re-gifting and not giving a damn.

Now, I think that the title of this particular blog is going to cause a lot of comment.  In fact, I know this already.  A friend has already grilled me by text messages about what I intend to write about with such a title.  Here is a sample of her queries:

• Why sex over books? (Never alleged, but her assumption)
• Why such a choice? (Why not?)
• Why limit yourself? (Not from choice)
• Why choose? 

Now, that last one deserves some thought.  I have thinking back over my life and noting how books, music and film took me away from a lot of the pleasures of a sexual life.  Not being a virgin, I should be happy; being published and able to play the guitar and write a film script, I should be elated.  But as I said, the books are going out the door, bag by bag, box by box.

Maybe a sexual life is in the offing...  Maybe I should learn not to use the word "offing" in a blog.  Either way, this is going to be in multiple parts.

Get ready and get set...  This is going to be embarrassing and fun.

Time to Move...

I am about to move on to another section of our place to take over a space left by a former roommate.  Now, this is not something that I would usually take the space of a blog entry to record, but this is different.

 

Let me explain: I live in a box.  Not a cardboard box where I feed on roasted pigeon and beg for change, but in an apartment where I share space with three other people.  Two of the rooms face the front of the home onto the street; the other two are windowless.  Guess where I live(d)?

I will finally have a window in the place, including a balcony, curtains and natural light when possible. This is what I have longed for over the last five years living in this place.  But I have to admit that I will miss the box.  When you sleep in complete darkness, it is a total and complete experience of nothingness (ignoring the clock, cellphone and blinking light on my laptop).  It may even be good for me to have no other distractions.  I notice that I am writing much faster now, and have less distractions in the form of the old pleasures (see previous last few entries).  There is a restaurant where patrons actually eat in the dark for the sensation of only having their concentrated experience focused on food.  This I now understand.  There are certain things that you often have to leave behind to enjoy what is around you.

There is another advantage: It gave me something that I could get away from and contemplate avoiding for a few hours in a cafe with pen and paper.  I know that my family was not too happy about me moving into the box, but I assured them that I would not be spending too much time in this room to do my work.  A half-truth, since I consider my guitar to be a private indulgence that I need to practice here alone.  The reading, writing, music-listening, relaxing and the like could all be done out of the box.  Sleep and a sense of containment (rather pleasant in itself) could be done in the box.

Not sure I will like having a real room with a window and real, everyday life in front of me.  Will keep posting to see how things change.

What weekends mean...

Another weekend down; actually the last weekend of November, which makes me think about how fast this year has passed.  Not a very pleasant thought.  I am in my own celibate hole, the work I am doing at the college is a form of performance art that is breaking my week up into different points of dullness (whatever that means), and I am still trying to prove things to myself.

 

Yes, I am still in my self-denial kick (am I setting a record yet?), so I decided to go out on Saturday night and do something I have not done in a long time: I had a drink.  Not monumental to most of the human race, but I often feel like the only reason to drink is to pretend that I like the people around me.  One mojito at one noisy bar before heading home was nothing special, but I was on my own. Not a smart move.  People can smell loneliness, I think.  But it was an important lesson in a series of lessons about me and the weekend.  Just do not need liquid courage to handle the problems in my life.

What else?  A good friend has, once again, figured me out.  I have an emotional barrier/shield/wall around me that keeps me from connecting with others (no wonder the whole celibacy deal is not such a big deal).  I have built it as a means of dealing with life and it has helped.  I may as well admit that there are things in my life that I could not have done if I was connected emotionally with others.  But, like anything that you indulge in far too often, it ruins you.  I sit in cafes alone with my notes and papers and music and wonder why I am repeating things in my life.  My own fault.  And that is enough. 

That good friend?  A good lady...  She has told me what is needed to connect with her camp if you are a guy; what to say, how to act.  My plan now is to add this to the self-improvements in my life (along with the gym, the language studies and guitar).  More challenges for me...

And what do weekends mean to me?  A time to reflect, think and maybe hope more often than I ever have before.

Down with Denial

From my last post, it may seem like I am still looking for pie-in-the-sky answers to questions in my life.  But I now realize that I have to seek things out on my own and come to my own judgements.

 

First, Cindy Gallop.  I really do not know who this women is and what she is trying to pull with her web site, but the whole concept of "MakeLoveNotPorn" is just a bad joke.  I wrote that I was selected for a beta group by her, but there is not much on the site to make me think that she is doing anything different than the other porn web sites.  People have been posting videos of themselves having sex with some commentary.  That's it.  It is not a forum for debate or discussion; I cannot find any part of the page that does not mention commerce or merchandising; and the members are far too confident in their sexuality to actually help someone like me who has given up on porn.  Miss Gallop could at least be honest about what she is trying to sell.

Back and leg are great.  Now, the problem is balance.  Dr. S. has me trying to steady my form with exercises that have me mimicking the actions of a rower.  Much harder to get that balance than I thought.  I have lost weight and enjoy my time at the gym, but the whole yogic control idea is still something that I have to work towards.  Time to get back to my own state of satori.

 

Now, the porn: yes, I am still watching it.  Just not participating in my usual responses to it.  I found out about the NoFap movement through This Magazine, and now it feels like a real test.  How long can I go before I have to go? What really interests me now is how I look at women and work.  More focus on both and more energy to be engaged in having a real life.  Not sure how long this will go on for, but I am in the running.

And all this on a Saturday morning...  Need breakfast and a couple of phone calls made right now...

A few things in my life...

I now have a good excuse for not being as committed to adding messages to this page: the modem in our place is out.  I have been lugging my laptop to cafes and libraries for the last few weeks and I am really fed up with it.  But there is more than just my complaint out access to wi-fi to fill up this space.

 A little injury at the gym led me to the very kind hands of a chiropractor.  Dr. Jocelyn Sicotte has been prodding the bones and muscles of my back twice a week for most of early November.  I admit that I was worried that I had done some damage, but now that things are getting better, I feel relaxed enough to talk about it.

A little information is a lot of strength. I am listening to Cindy Gallop, creator of Make Love Not Porn, discuss why she has created her web site.  I have been chosen as part of a beta group, meaning a limited number of people are a part of the team, and they are posting videos of their sexual acts...for a price.  Now this bothers me.  She claims that she is trying to deal with how porn influences the way we look at sex using the very tools that porn producers use to get us hooked.  And she admits that she is a fan of porn.  I am still not sure what to make of her message.  I have given up on porn (easy without a modem), but it is everywhere.  Maybe I really do need a girlfriend...  Maybe...

Finally, work: Just one day a week of teaching at the college, along with some private students who entertain me.  This is good for certain reasons (more gym and reading time), but not so good for other things (gym and reading makes me think of everything else I am missing).  I feel like there is some sort of lesson that I never learned and never will learn when it comes to relationships.

So, there is a lot to think about and make my way through this month.  Will keep you informed...

Suburban Thoughts (Part 1)

Just back from a week in my hometown.  This means a week with the family in suburbia and all the little delights of such places.

Okay, I will be honest.  I am glad that I saw my nephew and niece and that my brother and sister-in-law could tolerate me for so long, but I wonder why anyone would live there.  Yes, they have children, and their neighbours have children to make friends with each other, ride the bus, stay out late, and run up phone bills.  Maybe they need this place more than I could ever do.  But I am glad to be away.

I thought about a few possible entries for the blog and now I have an idea for the next set of entries: a list of reasons why I (and not just me, perhaps) should stay away from the suburbs.  I took no notes as I stayed there this last week, but a lot of intriguing facts have settled on my mind as I came up with this blog idea.  First:

1.  Suburbia makes you fat

There is already enough in the news about this to prevent me from dealing with this problem here, but I now understand why this is so.  I had to fight very hard the other night not to wolf down too much of the vegetarian lasagna my sis-in-law made for me.  But I knew why I had to fight the good fight: there was not much else to do.  As my brother cleverly stated once, when asked why he ate so much: Because it is there.  I cannot count the number of fast-food stops and variety stores near his place as we drove past.  There was a locale to cover ever spice palette.  Not a bad thing; just a very tempting one.  And very few people walked anywhere.  I always feel that I am trespassing when I go for a walk or a run in such places, like I am breaking a rule that I never knew existed.  A deadly combo?

Bad Vibes at the End of a Semester

I am very grateful for my job.  It allows me to make many mistakes with my schedules and course plans, feel dread at the prospect of seeing certain faces in my classes (more than once a week, sometimes), and combat the narrow thoughts of other teachers who make my comments feel like timid dancers in a verbal minefield.  These are very rare gifts, and the fact that I am paid for all of these privileges is sugar thrown on honey.  A part of me knows that I do not deserve any of it, but I cannot stay away.  I need the benefits.

Now that another semester is over, I will have to make more mistakes with lesson plans (even the ones I have used before), forget the names of my students until the last weeks of the course, and ponder what I gave up by leaving Japan.  Yes, three years of teaching in the land of the rising yen do not just escape one's thoughts.  Any teaching that I do now is influenced by what I learned there.  It matters.

This is on my mind, of course, because of money.  I have saved up some of it to a certain limit in different bank accounts, and there is very little reason for me to stay where I am.  Teaching has all of the benefits that I have stated, but it is still not enough for me (I have become greedy for more).  I need more than just an understanding of how limited my knowledge is.  Perhaps another job is out there for me, and I just need to seek it out before signing another contract.

And it is not the money, per se, that I care about.  I will not be shy about saying how little I care about money.  We are living in a time when people are more embarrassed by not talking about their incomes.  Instead, I feel some shyness about how strong and powerful money can be.  Spirits lift; greyness grows into colour; the day can seem lighter and more pleasant.  And these are serious problems.  

No one who wants to create and be remembered for their work should be too comfortable with their circumstances.  I never believed that starving in a studio apartment or garret was the best thing for any artist, but I understand the temptation.  I have managed to live on handouts and very little income at important moments in my life, and now that fun is over.  I am now a respectable adult with an income, money in the bank, a recovering credit rating and the means to move on.

There has to be a waking up to some other identity; something not yet tasted or felt.  I have been heading back to the rough drafts and old stories and putting them in some shape on the page, but there must be more.

A lot to contemplate before the end of another summer...

Is my bike trying to kill me?

Okay, everyone.  A few changes since my last entry:

1) I have a new group of roommates who are even less hygienic than the previous group (how is that even possible?)
2) I am working all summer without a real break.  Plenty of money in the bank; nowhere to spend it wisely (buying my own private island in the South Pacific would be a good investment now).
3) I have a bike.

Now, that last point needs some clarifying.  A private student's ex-husband mentioned an old bike that he was no longer using.  He let me pick it up at their last session for free and I have spent much time and some money fixing it up to some sort of standard of use.  New chain, seat, gear wires, tires, tubes, derailleurs and the like have helped.  But there was one thing that I did not count on: I need to (re)train myself to learn how to ride the thing.

I do know how to ride a bike, but I think that it is a skill that you can develop beyond a certain point (there must be some reason why people in Europe would actually take part in a six-day race).  And the tired simile about how certain things in life are so easy that they resemble riding a bike just does not work.  I found the seat too high, yet it cannot be lowered without cutting the tubes about two inches; the helmet I bought is ugly enough and ventilated enough to allow the air to pretend to cool my head (all the other head protection out there made me resemble a soldier about to invade Poland or Super Mario Land); and the lock is a production in itself (another expense that is tempting fate).

I say all of this after a long night-ride on a bike trail from my place on the Plateau to the mountain that gave MTL its name.  Still hoping that I will feel things below the waist before I wake up in the morning.  I have discovered that it is also a workout worthy of any run I have made in any park or track.  No complaints, but I have another skill to relearn.

More to come after another tour of the city.  This could be a theme...