In case you need to know: Squawk Back

I have been lucky enough to discover a web site called Squawk Back (see link above) and I wonder how much I owe to my own stubborn nature.  You see, this is another page devoted to literary scribblers who just want to get their name and work recognized in the web community.  What intrigues me most is that they have published all of the work that I have handed in.  According to what I have learned from the editor's own comments, if the work intrigues the person in charge, it gets in.  If not, get back to the keyboard and rethink your thoughts.

Just thought some of you would like to know...

There is something missing here...

Some days are harder than others, and sometimes you are not even sure why until things are put into a painful perspective.

Let's look at me, shall we?  In case you don't know, I am living in Montreal, in my thirties, single, teaching at a college, writing when I can, and lonely as fuck.  I did not really care about the latter point until this morning when I felt that something was knawing at my thoughts and would not let me rest.  I thought I knew what it was, but I see that this is different...

Ahh, yes. Father's day, or in some circles, Baby Daddy day.  I should also mention that I am West Indian in background and grew up, for the most part without a father.  Before he died of a heart attack when I was ten years old - and it was on the eve of Christmas, too - I knew him as a violent and dangerous figure of authority who did not understand how his own pain could not be erased by abusing me.  I know that I felt cheated and angry when he died and that I am still dealing with this today. 
He should have been my role model.  He had that chances, and now I know that his verbal and physical abuse masked a little boy who never grew out of his own pain to become a real man.  And this is why I feel very cheated an angry this particular Sunday in June.

Truth in Fake Advertising

Okay, I am no longer looking for what I will call steady work.  The college has me going part-time with the teaching through the summer and it feels like they want me to stay (no break to think about things).  I should be happy.  But it is not enough, so, I took a chance on an interview with another group.  And this is when things went strange...

 I thought that I was going to find a job with a video/media company that needed freelance writing. Instead, I had a sit-down with a man who worked for a group promoting anti-drug education.  Interesting how this is hitting me just at the moment when they have finally declared that the - ahem - the "War on Drugs" has failed.  Now, I don't mind helping him and his team out.  Don't even mind being paid for it.  But something about all of this bothers me.

Let me explain: This is not the first time that the prospect of writing as a career has been dangled in front of my dreams.  I have had enough experiences with too many fly-by-night publishers, magazine idiot-editors, and general misfits and scribblers with more fantasies than common sense.  I am not going to hold out much hope for this one.  Especially with how the interview went.  We met at a café.  He was ten minutes late, badly dressed (why am I always better dressed than all these sartorially-challenged people) and then he wanted to move.  Café was too noisy, so we went to an outdoor bistro, which was again too noisy, then we went inside, and had to contend with a very upset baby and her overly-considerate parents.  And I now have a stack of papers to read and an article (sample) to write (still not sure what the topic is, besides trying to stroke the ego of the group - name withheld until I think things are clear).

Just let this one work out for me this once.  I need to have something to wake up to when I think that there is only teaching on my horizon.

The New Popularity

Well, well...
It seems now that I have no choice but to continue with these blogs.  Summer is coming and my work hours are not as dense as before, so I will have more time to talk about the things that are boiling away between my ears.  There has been interest from people I will call my co-workers in what I do here and I cannot disappoint them by keeping this page unfulfilled. 
So, I am back!

Gone

So, they got him...

I was up pretty late on Sunday night when I heard from a friend that Osama bin Laden was killed at his compound in Pakistan by Navy Seals.  And I am sure that future generations will wonder how we all felt at this moment.  Well, they have the videos.  I mean, the crowds at the White House; crowds I have not seen since Obama won the office.  And guess who I think has just won the 2012 election (Trump, get a haircut and go home)?

And  how do I feel?  I have family in New York and I wondered about them the day of the attack (an aunt worked in a hospital - that was as close as it got for my family).  I also have a travel story about 9/11 that I should share: I bought a ticket from Tokyo to Toronto in August of 2001; September changed my plans, meaning that the travel agent who sold me the ticket contacted me to tell me that the plane route would no longer be passing through New York (I had to take a longer flight through Atlanta).  On that flight back - over twelve hours one-way - the plane was almost empty.  And that was when I felt fear.  If one man could be in charge of such a panic, then he had to be taken out.

Wave a flag, have a drink, and smile...

An Interesting Experiment...

Hello everyone!

Yeah, I have been busy enough to pretend that I do not have time to add an entry to this blog.  Work is picking up and I have to make sure everything is well-planned well ahead of time for my classes.  But there is a reason why I chose to put an entry here tonight: I have given up TV.

Yes, no more boob tube, idiot box, cathode-ray death trap for me for a little while at least.  No time with the work that I do and I was not playing my guitar or doing my own writing anymore.  Strange thing is that I do not miss it.  The web is there, and I am doing my best to keep track of the news and all the new music that I can finally concentrate on and listen to for the lack of AutoTune.  I said to myself that I would not last a weekend; it has been more than a full week of televisual denial.

But why don't I miss it?  I think that I can say now that I have never really liked television; not as much as I like putting my thoughts on paper or playing the newest lick on my guitar.  And I say this as someone who just bought their first camcorder: I am not a visually-inclined person.  I would rather put a picture in my head while reading a new book or listening to music. 

All right, enough philosophy.  I will let you know how this experiment works out.    But for now, I have a lot of unfinished work that I am eager to do.

Out.

Ahem...and Amen

Image via Wikipedia

I can see how things work out for me.

I did speak to the woman I mentioned in the last blog.  Last Saturday was a free day for both of us, so I called her on a cellphone from a cafe in the middle of the snow and cold.  It was a nice chat, and she sounded friendly enough, but I can see now how it will end up. 

Cynical?  Me?  Sure, like any of the friends I have who think that they have wasted their time with chasing dreams and other people's ideas of success.  But that is not the issue this time...

I should mention one key thing: religion.  For the second time, she has sent me messages asking about my feelings in relation to that issue.  And now I await her response to my very honest reply.  I said that I am Canadian, meaning that I think of that issue only when I have to, which means very rarely.  I said that I worshipped art, literature, good food, life, having a body and being able to explore the world I know. 

I think that I have said too much, but I cannot change who I am for anyone (tried that once - long story for another blog).

Just waiting on her response now.  I will keep posting the pain.

Dating by the book

It is now 2:39 EST and I am about to call someone that I met through a web site called Alikewise.  This web site is devoted to booklovers who want to meet other booklovers.  And I have been met and have met someone that intrigues.

I have to call her at 3 pm and I am wondering what the call will be like.  Should be Twittering this info...

Stay linked!

Making this new...

Image via Wikipedia

Back in Montreal for the start of another year... Hate how things are repeating themselves: still on my own; still have my many bad habits; still wondering what happened with my life.  I have begun to clean up my space and I realize that it is very easy to fall into a habit of collecting without any sense of why this stuff matters...
Keep clicking and reading...

The First Snowfall

Image via Wikipedia

Woke up this morning and saw the white carpet of snow outside.  I feel like this should be mentioned, esp. in Montreal.  Had a lot to do today and I did not get a chance to have my traditional hike up Mt Royal with a camera and hiking boots.  Instead, I ended up getting my guitar checked out and restrung, running in a local park, and napping while my laundry tumbled.

So, winter is here.  I know that this is nothing special, but I always wonder about what the new year will bring and what I will fail to do in the next twelve months.  Best thing is going back to see the family and getting away from the gorillas that I share space with for most of the year.

Now, time to think of gifts...

Money, Money, Money...

I knew there was someone to blame for my being broke:
http://ca.finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/moneysense/107/why-youre-poorer-than-your-parents

Thou Shalt Not Condom...

I should say that this is a good sign.  The Pope, meaning the Catholic Church, has decided that there are cases where condoms are useful.  Not for anything fun, of course.  Only in special cases, like blocking the transmission of disease and other cases. 

So, I guess the Church is growing up.  I guess I should be happy that they have accepted a certain piece of technology that many Catholics now accept anyway.  I guess that this makes things all right.  Right?

Forget it.

I did not think that I could hold this particular Pope in contempt any deeper than the contempt I have now.  I never thought that the Catholic Church could be even more pathetic.  How many lives have been ruined because the Church held to primitive beliefs about reproduction and sexuality? How many people died because of the transmission of diseases that took their lives?  How can anyone in the Vatican look at themselves in the mirror without feeling shame?

It is too little far too late...

A Loss in the Family

I have just heard that a dear friend of my family and the entire Dominican community of my hometown has lost a long battle against cancer.  I had known her my entire life and I cannot believe that she is gone. 

I have included this picture from Dominica because it reminds me of peace and calm.  I think that I will have to think of this place for a long time...
Peace...

An Epiphany...of sorts...

I just had a very busy week (nothing new there) and discovered that the apartment I thought would be mine is now promised to someone else that the landlord now has a crush on (more of the same?).  I opened a cabinet and my favorite mug fell out and shattered.  I dropped off a card at a mailbox and stepped in a huge unseen puddle; I marked papers for my students and realized that they like to repeat all of the mistakes I have pointed out; and I am about to do another assessment for another school for very little pay and no promise that things will work out and they will actually be able to do the tests.

A silver lining: I have found an old notebook with an outline for a long narrative based on an incident from my past (with a lot of fiction involved).  And that is a goal: finishing that thing and getting it published.  I am sick of leaving so much unfinished work around on my flash drives and notes.

Sounds like something worth a few more blog entries...

The Contestant

This is an important day for me.  No, not the day after Diabetic Shock Day (appropriately called the Day of the Dead).  It is the deadline for the CBC Literary Awards.  And I may actually avoid writing and rewriting another story to send into the void

Yes, I have stopped doing a lot of things that have caused me harm, and literary contests where I have to pay for the privilege of being rejected and then read all the other so-called better writers in magazines and journals that I am now subscribed to because of my entry fee is a long and damaging relationship that I can do without.  I still write - cannot give up the vice now - but I want to be caught out as an unacknowledged talent who made it past the slush pile of an editor's desk.

So, time to do some serious rethinking about who I want to write for and how I want to be recognized.