There is something missing here...

Some days are harder than others, and sometimes you are not even sure why until things are put into a painful perspective.

Let's look at me, shall we?  In case you don't know, I am living in Montreal, in my thirties, single, teaching at a college, writing when I can, and lonely as fuck.  I did not really care about the latter point until this morning when I felt that something was knawing at my thoughts and would not let me rest.  I thought I knew what it was, but I see that this is different...

Ahh, yes. Father's day, or in some circles, Baby Daddy day.  I should also mention that I am West Indian in background and grew up, for the most part without a father.  Before he died of a heart attack when I was ten years old - and it was on the eve of Christmas, too - I knew him as a violent and dangerous figure of authority who did not understand how his own pain could not be erased by abusing me.  I know that I felt cheated and angry when he died and that I am still dealing with this today. 
He should have been my role model.  He had that chances, and now I know that his verbal and physical abuse masked a little boy who never grew out of his own pain to become a real man.  And this is why I feel very cheated an angry this particular Sunday in June.